To Kill a Dark Lord
by Hypothetical
Summary: Face it, Voldemort's demise in the books was too obvious and boring. How about some unconventional ways for him to go? This is a series of unconnected one-shots, all having to do with the death of Voldemort.
1. Cue the Ball

Disclaimer: I own nothing! Nothing, do you hear me!

**Chapter 1: Cue the Ball**

The projectile shot like a bullet towards its goal, rocketing off walls and any obstacle in its path. When it reached its target, it set off a new reaction that would make or break the round. Its job done, it slowed down until it once again rested peacefully.

The audience watched with bated breath. Would the goal be reached? The current moving object was close, very close, but could it make it? There the object teetered, rocking back and forth, until with a Thud! the ball dropped into the hole.

"Yes!" Harry Potter cheered, a grin stretching across his face. He had finally done it! All summer he had been trapped, with nothing to to. Until he found the table. Yes, he, Harry James Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived himself, was playing pool.

Not with anyone, of course, but by himself. Everyone in the neighborhood hated him. The Dursleys had filled their minds with rubbish about him being a delinquent, or something like that. Harry could never keep it straight. Sometimes he was a delinquent, others he was a shy boy who kept to himself. Whatever made the Dursleys look good to the public. Stupid Muggles.

But this summer was better then the rest. He had something to do, something to take his mind off all the angst going on. Dudley had wanted a pool table, so of course, he got one. The minute little ("yeah right," Harry scoffed. "More like a little humpback whale.") Dudders saw it, he lumbered over to it, tripped over a piece of wrapping in the way, and landed with a crash on top of it. And thus ended the pool table.

It was actually only sans legs after baby humpback fell on it. But having a pool table without legs wasn't normal. After all, no one else had one without legs. The poor pool table went into the spare room and was promptly forgotten about. It still had its wrapping on and everything.

When Harry came home he saw a nice, although extremely dusty, pool table. As a matter of fact, everything in his room was extremely dusty. He decided it was Nargles.

So the almighty defeater of Voldemort, who was at the time classified as crazy to the wizarding world at large, wait. Was it crazy? Or was he a hero again? Harry had forgotten. The sheep cough*wizards*cough changed their opinion of him faster then Dudley could eat a slice of chocolate cake. And yes, that is very, very fast. It could be compared to around mock 7.

Well anyways, Harry was playing pool. He wasn't very good at it, although that could be explained because he had no idea what he was doing. The Dursleys has thrown out the packaging, in a inconspicuous manner of course, so no-one knew they had a faulty pool table, along with the instructions.

Faced by a need to be creative, Harry invented his own way to play pool. After all, it couldn't be that confusing. The word pool reminded him of the thing filled with water that Hermione had in her backyard. There was no water in this though. He decided that this pool table was broken, which did make sense, because it had been abandoned.

"Water," Harry mused. "Water is wet. Wet is water. When something is dropped into water, it makes a plonk sound. Therefore, I must have to drop the balls on the table!"

And that led him to his current state of excitement. Try as he might, he was not able to make the balls roll into the slots. So he finally pushed the balls together in a heap and dropped a ball on them. Sure, some went flying off the table and left a dent in the wall, but water splashes too. It's okay that the Dursleys yelled at him for making thumping sounds. They seemed really suspicious. Harry wondered what they thought he was doing. Speaking of that, they also got really angry when he yelled at the pool table.

Harry wrote it off as strange Dursleyish behavior. Nothing matters anymore! He finally got one of the balls into one of the little slots! He had won!

In his somewhat weird victory dance that involved making hooting sounds and flinging his arms all over the place, Harry knocked one of the balls off the table. He must have really whacked the thing too. It went flying across the room and out the window, which was closed at the time. Glass and the small round projectile made a sweep to the ground, and hit a conveniently located Death Eater. Harry cheered.

Then what had happened caught up to him. "Death Eater!" Harry panicked, then became aware of the strange things happening below his window. The Death Eater who had been hit by the pool ball had also somehow gotten glass from the window in his eyes. He was bumbling around blindly, hitting invisible objects with his arms.

Harry was slightly confused about the path the Death Eater's arms were taking. Until one of the invisible stopping points became visible as a invisibility cloak slid of a different Death Eater. Harry idly wondered if they were having some sort of convention. Weird place to meet though.

Then a high squeaky voice cut through the panic below. "You fools!" roared the voice. "We are here to kill Potter! Hide yourself Yaxely. Macnair, deal with it. It's just some glass!"

Harry squeaked. It was Voldemort! Then he remembered himself and tried again. It was He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!

Harry yelled out, "You-Know-Who, your plans will be foiled! Dumbledore will come soon!"

He received a reply, "Who are you talking to?"

"You!" Harry said. "Who else?'

"But you said You-Know-Who! I don't know who! It could be anyone here. Be more specific Potter."

"No, You-Know-Who is you. Like He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."

Voldemort said, "Of course you would call You-Know-Who You. Society uses first names. Strange name he's got though. Who must not be named?"

"You are He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! Don't you know this?"

"But if You is You-No-Who how can he also be He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? Is He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named a middle name or something?"

"No," Harry sighed. "You, Lord Voldemort, are You-Know-Who and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. I can't believe you haven't heard this!"

"Who came up with this!" yelled Voldemort. "I must kill them. They gave me a stupid name. I mean really, who would be afraid of a guy named You-Know-Who. 'Did you hear about You-Know-Who?''No, who?'"

"We need to get back on topic," Harry decided. "Where was I... Dumbledore will come and crush you!"

"He will never! That foolish old man knows nothing! You're all alone boy! Hee hee hee! Wait. That was more of an evil giggle than an evil laugh. How about Mwa ha ha!"

"Oh no!" Harry quailed in fear. "That was a horrifying evil laugh. Maybe a bit high pitched, but still scary."

"Thank you," said Voldemort. He then got back to working on his laugh.

"What ever shall I do?" thought Harry. "All I have is these pool balls... I know! I will throw them! Maybe more people will be hit on the head!"

Below was heard "Mwa ha ha! No, how about Bwa ha ha! Better. How about more accent on the second Ha."

Harry took up the first ball and got ready to throw. It had a number three on it. "Cool," he thought. "Third time's a charm!" He leveled his arm and got ready to throw.

The ball flew in a graceful arc, at an exact line to its target. Fine, who am I kidding. Harry just succeed in making the ball clear the windowsill. He was a Seeker after all, not a Chaser. It did hit its target though.

That's right, the ball hit Voldemort. Not in his head, or between his legs. (Harry was briefly disappointed. There went his chance to win Funniest Home Videos.) The ball went right at Voldemort's open mouth, where he was in the middle of a particularly loud Ha! The number three pool ball went into the Dark Lord's mouth, and he started to choke.

Harry thought the look on Voldemort's face was priceless. He had the classic choking face, bug eyes, gagging, he even was stumbling around with his hands crossed over his throat in the universal choking gesture. He was motioning for his Death Eaters to help him.

One of the Death Eaters, Harry believed it was Carrow, shrugged helplessly. "Sorry My Lord, there's nothing we can do. I think the stupid Muggles have something called the hindlick, but that's a Muggle thing. We hate Muggles."

All the other Death Eaters nodded, adding words of agreement. When Voldemort finally fell over, one of them announced "Wow, look at the time. Three o'clock already. I must be getting home." There were no arguments, and soon the lawn below Harry's window was deserted, except for a still twitching body.

Harry watched the body below for hours after it stopped moving, still worried it was some sort of trick. After he threw another pool ball out the window and it bounced off Voldemort's head without even a twitch, Harry decided to go down and look.

He walked through his house, past the Dursleys who were dead on the floor. This confused Harry, because he thought the Death Eaters hadn't the time to enter his house. He made a note to look into it.

As he stood over Voldemort's body, watching for any signs of life, he noted that the body was rigid. He decided to touch it. Yep, it was cold. He kicked Voldemort in the stomach. You-Know-Who still didn't move.

So Harry decided on the ultimate test. He reared back his leg, and let one fly right between Voldemort's legs. "Strange," he thought. "There was no resistance." He tried one more time to make sure he wasn't delusional. Still nothing.

Overcome by curiosity, Harry had to look. What he saw confirmed many suspicions he had had over the years. "Yep, there's nothing there."

**Chapter End**

So how was it? Thanks for reading. Now review!

The next chapter is going to be called A Butterfly's Wings. Can anyone guess what it will be about?

**Review! **It will make me write more.


	2. A Butterfly's Wings

Disclaimer: Just checked. I still own nothing.

Just a warning, this chapter is more of a blatant parody then the other one.

**Chapter 2: A Butterfly's Wings**

Harry was sitting in his room at Number 4, Privet Drive. His so-called family; daddy hippo, baby hippo, and mommy giraffe were sitting on the couch downstairs watching the tele and eating disgusting fried foods. Really, who eats fried whale blubber. Daddy and baby hippo don't need anymore blubber anyway.

Harry was very, very, very, very, very, very, very bored. He was so bored that he was counting the number of times he could say very. Anything was better then remembering his disastrous school year. He had forgotten what school year it was that just ended though. They all seemed to be disastrous lately. They all ended with someone dying too. That really annoyed Harry. Why did they have to die at the end of the school year? It always traumatized him all summer.

Harry wondered at Voldemort. Why were his schemes so thought out and planned? They also always coincided with the exams too. Harry shuddered at what would happen if Voldemort just hit him with a curse, instead of adding the typical gloating villain's speech about what Harry should have done better and revealing most of his nefarious plans for the year. Come to think of it, Voldemort was probably his best teacher. No one else's material stuck with him so well.

Then of course, because Harry was thinking of Voldemort, he had to think of all the people who had died at Voldemort's hands. Though no one besides his parents had actually been killed by Voldemort themselves. Oh well, it was only a metaphor.

Harry was filled with angst. Poor Cedric, who was hit with the killing curse that Harry had no way to predict it was coming or any way to protect Cedric from it. Poor Sirius, who died because he was overconfident and cocky while in a duel. Their deaths were all his fault! He could see the blood on his hands! Nope, wait, that was Kool-Aid he had just spilled. Huh, weird. Why did the zoo animals give him Kool-Aid? It was probably poisoned. He spilled it anyway, so it was no problem.

Then Harry remembered that he was supposed to be filled with self pity. Oh, the horror! Oh, the shame! He had indirectly killed two people he loved, even though he barely knew one of them!

Harry stoically raised his tear-stained face to the heavens. "Never again," he cried, "Will I be the cause of pointless deaths! Never again will I be so weak as to just stand gaping when an unblock-able killing curse comes at the person next to me! Never again will I not help my godfather when his insane cousin hits him in the gut with a curse! Hmm. Does Moony have an insane cousin? He needs one if I'm going to protect him from her."

The zoo animals below yelled like howling zebras.

Harry gave no sign of hearing and continued on with his dramatic monologue. "If I can not mourn for my loved ones in peace, I will celebrate the ones I still have living! Oh Ron,"

Just then an unfamiliar owl swooped in the window with a letter attached. Harry paused for a moment to relieve the owl of its burden. He carefully broke open the wax seal to reveal the contents inside.

_Dear Mr. Potter_

_We at St. Mungos are sorry to inform you that a Mr. Ronald Weasel has met his untimely demise this past hour. Time of death: 2.25 P.M.. Cause of death: unknown, though subject seems to have swallowed some type of Muggle numbered ball from his father's workbench. It was part of a -pole- set Mr. Weasel Sr. was studying. We are sorry for your loss._

_My Condolences,_

_Healer Brown_

Harry shrugged. It was probably his fault somehow but he was past that part in his soliloquy. He'd think about it later.

He thought of a new person. "Oh Hermione,"

Harry looked at the window as if he were expecting something. When nothing was disturbed he shrugged again and went back to his wailing.

"Oh, Hermione, she who knows everything, but must consult a book every time because she believes she doesn't know it and she trusts authority figures too much and she has really big teeth and ugly hair..." Harry ran out of breath.

"Come to think about it, why do I even hang out with her?"

"Oh, well. Moving on."

"I just realized I have no friends! How about acquaintances. All I really know is Neville, who is stupid, Luna who is crazy, and Ginny."

"I can talk about Ginny! Oh Ginny, who I am so in love with. Ginny who is the younger sister of my BFF. Well, dead BFF. Maybe he will come back as a ghost! Then we can spy on the girls shower!"

"Where was I... Ginny, who everyone says looks like my mother. And has a really bad temper. (Everyone knows about the famous Weasley temper.) Ginny who played with action figures of me and is now a glorified stalker."

"Wow. I am really questioning my choice in friends right now."

As Harry was angsting away to pass his day one perfect pearly tear that represented his profound sadness and suffering slid across his face and fell off. Now as it so happens, Harry was angsting over his windowsill. So as this perfect pearly tear that represented his profound sadness and suffering made its meaningful journey to the ground, it did not just hit the floor in his room and dissipate. No, this tear fell all the way to the ground below, where it hit a man in a mask who was trying to look inconspicuous.

The man, who was actually a Death Eater sent to watch the Potter boy (although the Death Eater did not understand why. If the Dark Lord knew where Potter was, why didn't the great and powerful Lord Voldemort come to finish him off? The Death Eater concluded that the Dark Lord just had an unhealthy obsession with the Potter boy.) was hit on the head with the teardrop.

Now this Death Eater's orders were to immediately return to base if he was spotted. As there was not a cloud in the sky, he readily assumed that his cover was blown and apparated away in a panic- right into Voldemort's bubble bath.

Voldemort, who was enjoying his time alone with his rubber duck, was understandably quite terrified when a man appeared in his bubble bath. Now one doesn't become the most feared dark lord of all time without taking safety precautions. Without any further ado, Voldemort performed an emergency apparation; however, he forgot to visualize a destination

And that is how the scary Dark Lord Voldemort entered the most heavily guarded arms warehouse in all of England. The second he appeared inside the guarded zone he was shot so many times there was no longer a recognizable body.

Unfortunately, some of the gunman were too zealous in their shooting, so more then one bullet hit a weapons case. A case that held a nuclear warhead was hit in such a way that it immediately detonated, setting off a chain reaction that ignited many more nuclear bombs. The entire island of Britain was wiped off the map.

Of course, there was an international outcry over the incident. France blamed Germany. Japan blamed North Korea. And the United States at first blamed Russia, then just blamed everyone but themselves and assured the general population that they would fix everything.

What better a way to fix an enemy then blowing them to pieces? And so the first ever nuclear war began. It didn't last long, after all, there are only so many times the planet can hold itself together.

That perfect pearly tear that represented Harry's profound sadness and suffering also represented the end of the world.

**Chapter End**

Once again, thanks for reading. Please review though. I feel like no one likes it.

Thanks to Lyssa for being the first person to review, and TeamAwsome for being a weird stalker person. You're like Svidrigailov!

This chapter title was inspired by what I think was a Dr. Seuss story. It was about a butterfly who beat its wings and the puff of air started a huge chain reaction. It's kinda obvious where the inspiration comes from.

The next chapter is called Escribe Todo. Can anyone besides Sarah make a random guess about its contents?

**Review**


End file.
